Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Of love and heart break.

 One plus one ; two. Two run around in circles. Couples are made in heaven. So keeping that in mind this should technically be heavenly. The wait for some thing better is still there.SO here goes.

She sits alone in a dark room, her face turned towards the light purple wall that smells of fresh paint. One, two, three, four. Four corners of the roof. Then there must be four pillars supporting the magnificent structure that lay above her.
Swoosh. The wind moves the pale grey green curtains. Her body receives the message and tiny goose bumps appear all over her skin just like several tiny stones in a pond. A chill runs down her spine as she lets her hair loose. It has been days. The dark circles beneath her eyes, the missing kajol. She walks towards the drawer, rummages through it, locating the single item of immense interest. Holding it high she slides it slowly making soft contact with her lips. First down and then up. The lipstick bleeds along her lip margins. She smiles but never has red been so dull, so black.  The girl in the mirror represents such a repulsive,hopeless human. Feeling disgusted she turns away and gets under the safety of her bed cover. Tick Tock. sshhrhh.thunder. swoosh. rain. turn. swoosh. slam. honk honk. croaks. creeks. more turning.
She sees it all. Why they ever chose to be weak and slit themselves open to relieve pain. Why they chose drugs over reality. It all makes sense. DHUZ. The slamming door shakes her up. How did she become this. How did the colors fade from her beautiful face.
Some how during these thoughts she falls asleep with damp eyes and a broken heart.

For all lovers; there is not a heart that hasn't been broken. there's not a love that hasn't been loved. and there isn't a low that has been the lowest.

Today, we put red lipstick for you, my love. You are beautiful. Even after the lows you have hit you still pull through. Your strength rekindles in me the belief I once had in myself.

Monday, July 16, 2012

care to run?

Write down your emotions on a piece of paper, pile them up and when you are done might as well as burn the lot. Feelings aren't only real when you jot them or state them out loud. Feelings are felt when the other does not even notice the impact of their words on you.
They say they see more in you, a promise and perhaps a friend. When they speak up, all you hear and feel is hatred. Hatred for who you have always been. How can you be so blinded about a human that you miscalculate, misjudge the scene and put it all on them. Shoot them with a 9 Milli instead, straight through the head. Make it easy.
There is no forgiveness or forgetfulness in this land of the young. Species breed upon other species, big eating small. You think and change your mind, think it might just be you, till you think a little harder. A little deeper this time. It never really was entirely you, circumstances and situations put forward by loved ones. What happened to the sugar coating? It ran stale love, it ran stale.

So come with me let us run. Run beyond the horizon. Beyond the seven seas. lets run along the cheetahs in desert safaris.
lets jump into the ocean, no matter how dead it may be. Lets tango in the rain, forgetting this pain.

Tonight I will take a rain check.Tonight, I will miss what was. Just for tonight I will make love of nothing at all.

Old Times.

There is a gathering. Half a hundred people, with heads close to each other talking non-stop as if running out of time. Few hours is all we have, to do all the catching up, hi hellos, necessary interrogations , so on and so forth.

As I sit there greeting incoming guests, familiar faces of; acquaintances,rivals, lovers and of course friends! a tiny lump of feelings drowns deep down into my throat. Such deep rooted are my regrets.

Years have passed since those times, moments that tore me apart and brought me back together. That began to define my existence but even today when I look back, there is emptiness. A huge gap which could have been filled with more friends, more love, more life. I hear a person learns from their mistakes. May be they are right but what can a person do to overcome the feelings associated with those mistakes? How do you ever accept your shortcomings with open arms. Is it even right to forget those incredible seconds where you make the worst decisions of your life? Seconds that change to minutes and kill all that could have been. 

I try now and then to feel better but truth is, that hole will always remain till I find a cure. One must make amends, if something bothers them longer than they would like to accept. Today, I stand at a place where the heart is no longer forgiving, where the eyes try but still accuse, where the tongue is a whip lash. I try and be nice but nothing nice is leaving my mouth, I shut up but the thoughts and emotions. How did I become this?

There in the mirror is a monster. Dying is the lovable person that once was.Time was supposed to be my friend but now it is not enough. I want so much more. I want the satisfaction of being appreciated, of being some one extraordinary. I no longer want to please every one who crosses my path. I just want to leave here. This now, is not where I am happy. 

Find me a present where I smile more than I think. Can you save me from dying?

Tuesday, June 12, 2012


They call it the medal of honor. For me it came as a medal of shame. One action capable of ruining lives and snatching away another's freedom. Question was does any ones existence have that much control over another?

Events that are like bitter sweet symphony. Rendered speechless by the inconsiderate threats of a stranger. Incited by the very fire that makes me less human. Less humane is more of what I feel but it was a decade ago that I gave up being me. The need to please every one, think things through, that is what I was taught in pre-school. Much of that has come to fail. I can not decide if it is my short coming or  just fate. But how much of my life can I blame on fate?

God, please be just. Once more, soon.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

For those who care.

365 Days, that is what life has come to. Counting every day as it passes, one realizes at times what a disappointment it has been. 21 years, each having a significant number of 365 or 366 days. That makes for an entire lifetime. 
When a baby is conceived it marks the first sign of expectation. Expectations that will govern life, alter decisions and make one second guess till the death bed is reached. We are expected to be of a particular gender, size,shape,race and color. We need to have a certain personality, certain grades. If by chance you happen to have ' an air about you' you will be labelled as a show off and if not you will just be another loser like millions of other people who seem to be leading aimless lives. Fact is we are ruled by expectations, every second we come across new ideas. Ideas that will frame us trying desperately to impregnate ourselves into the memory of strangers.
One morning you wake up and realize life is not as perfect as you perceived it to be.You spend a lazy day whining about all that isn't right and never will be. The day passes by with the same regrets till another day begins with a different frame of mind.
Truth be told, we try so hard to fit in the pieces that we mess up the entire puzzle. Why are we so curious to know everything, to be perfect. When has perfection made one happy? If nothing falls out of line, if nothing is unexpected then how will we cry or laugh. How will sad movies dampen our eyes or freshly baked chocolate chip cookies brighten our mood?
Predictable is the new boring. Numerous sleepless nights,self reflecting days and you have your self a blank moment. The moment of truth is always blank because we never really can grasp the intensity of what has actually happened in 21 years. From a tiny being we have grown to be so big but from that bigger human we grew to be minute. Smaller hearts, envy, jealousy and hatred are the norm. It is easier to crush people rather than being a pillar. 
Buildings fall every day but now people are falling. Some are too weak to stand and others are too scared to compete. You wish to shake them up, make them realize their worth. But it isn't your place, never was. All you can do is watch the gigantic buildings pile up on ground zero. 
People do not want to be saved. No body wants to know that their decisions were faulty or that they trusted the wrong kind. We all want appreciation, we all want our own mistakes. In such a scenario where do those who care too much stand? They crumble with you, every strike leaves a mark till a point is reached. The point of no return. People move on and time ascertains that.