Sunday, November 7, 2010

Ballai lugees.

For a woman who has loved me regardless of my acts,looks,language,behaviour,personality and character. My manners meant nothing to her neither did my ignorance. You would overlook all my deeds, all the times when I would defy you by playing out under the warm sunrays. I always thought it was fun to run out when you told me not to. Then you would follow me out the kitchen door, come to me, convince me to go in. I would never listen but somehow you would stay out with me.Under the sun you would wait for me to go back in with you. Regardless of your age and your strength.You stood by me.

I havent forgotten all those childhood days when you would forcefully shower me against my will. I would run around the house to avoid you but you would make it a point to shower me,comb my hair, change my clothes. You always treated me like your own child,like I mattered the same.

You were so weak and thin,yet on every dinner and lunch you would be on my case. Forcing me to eat and then eat a little more.You always worried so much for me when you had the choice not to. I wasnt your responsibility but you made me yours. 

I can, never forget those numerous days,thousands they are. When you would see me and say ballai lugees.I would wonder why would you say it to me.Why would you want all my pain and hardships? You couldnt handle any of those, you werent strong enough physically. Yet, even at the time you couldnt walk on your own and you couldnt remember me everytime you would say this to me. And everytime I would silently ask God to not listen to you. I would never want you to take my evil , never.

I still have the pink wool safe in  my cupboard. The one you told me you like. Its small but its there. Its something I relate to you and it makes me smile and feel loved everytime I look at it or hold it between my fingers.I remember that day really well.The conversation we had. How you wouldnt let me press your legs ,even though you were undeniably in severe pain.
For all the memories I have of you, I have not once told you that I love you and that none of it went unnoticed. That you matter to me and I  love you very much. I have never told you how glad I was ,when you recognized me on your sickest of days. How loved I felt ,when you would ask me if  I had eaten ,or asked me to go home, its late. I have never in my life, made you feel the way you made me feel. I have ,never held you the way you held me.May be, I can never match your love. May be I have failed you. I worry. I have regrets.I always took all that for granted, I never stopped, for even a second to thank you. Today ,I am really scared. I have no words or strength but I LOVE YOU.

This is for the woman who always put us before herself.This is for a mother who never loved less, for a wife who never forgot, for a grandmother who took our worst, for a relative who was always there,for a human who was taken for granted.

This is for a woman who is very sick and who might not recognize me, today.


Magdalena said...

We're all scared of not being recognised, my grand mother didn't in the last few years of her death.I'm not saying it should make you feel any better, I wish I knew the right words to make you feel better.
This post makes me remember my own childhood memoires.
I love your expression.But I have a question
What are you scared of?

Magdalena said...

in the last few years before* her death

Shady. said...

I am not scared of not being recognised.There is more to life and relations.Its the fact that someone you love isnt well and might never be.Its the fact that you might never see them again and they might never be who they were.
its not about me. Its about the woman who always gave and never took anything in return.Its about her well-being.

ares said...

Wow! ..such moving..heartbreaking..yet words, but prayers for 'her' and you..

Shady. said...

she recently passed away,please do pray for her.

ares said...

I am sorry for the irreparable loss Shady . Truly . *hugs* . though I'm here for the first time today, it brought out tears, I guess when the heart speaks, it reaches the heart, and I believe if she led the life to have left the sort of impact on you that she did, she's been very successful! and so've been you. Be glad for all of it.. May she be in a better place than this now. Aameen. Be strong and live up to all that she passed on to you for she may watch over you with a smile..

Shady. said...

thankyou so actually means a never occured to me that words of a stranger could mean so much.
yes,i guess that is all one can do :)

ares said...

anytime! :) ..and thankYou!! ..take care..

S.H. said...

This one made me cry, of course. Anybody who reads this will be reminded of their Nani/Dadi. My Nani also passed away last year, she was my closest ally..and every word in your post resonated with me...Feels like I wrote this. :(
We all know they're in a better place, but it doesn't diminish the fact that we miss their presence every single day...those eyes, that kind smile, the generously loving nature,the hugs.everything.

Shady. said...

S.H I know what you mean there really hasnt been a time when I have truely over come this loss. But life gives us no alternative.
Just find reassurance in the fact that you knew, loved and held some one so special close to your heart. No one can take that from us, all those memories will forever be ours. Feel better.

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