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Sunday, October 31, 2010

Hollywood For Pakistan Floods - Every Second that is ticking

HOT TOTTIE.

I am so cold, I am so cold.

Today, is exactly the kind of a day, when you have so much to say because you are overwhelmed but you cant. Your words have given up on you. You feel like shouting but for the sake of sanity ,you cant.

Thousands feet below me, there is water, turquoise and dreamy clean. Waves hitting each other continously. calmness in an apparently violent act. The breeze is blowing, faster now. It brings to me ,the sound of children playing on some faraway shore. The waves sing to me,soothe me.

I take a step and then another. No more steps ahead, just the great fall. I take a deep breath,close my eyes and think to myself ' no matter how many deaths I die, I will never forget'
Inhaling in as much air as humanly possible, I plunge forward. CRASH CRASH BURN.LET IT ALL BURN.

Picking speed,past the cold wind,past the pressure,past the memories ,past you and past me. Past all that matters and all that never will. The air pressing my eyes in,hurting them. I cant open them or keep them closed either. It is one vertical fall where nothing is under control.
The clock is ticking as I cover distance.Almost there.There it is, the cold water waves, holding on to me.Making me feel real and alive again.The pain has to go, have to let go......

On the top of the highest cliff in this world, that is where I want to be. That is where I am right  now, imagining the whole scene again and again,replaying it as my lips form a perfect U.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Bliss.

Ignorant are those who dont know, not those who dont show.

...

Here I am, Lost in your afterglow.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Guilt.

Guilt is what I feel lately, everytime I see their faces. A gardener sows the seed,waters it every day and protects it from the outside world till it blossoms into a beautiful tulip. such love,hard work and care.
And that is just a flower for us.just another flower that most of us never notice.


Can we compare humans with nature? How our parents compromise and work all their life to earn for us. Provide for us, shape our personality to make us better people? They let go of their desires , just for us.Werent they teenagers once?Had they never dreamt of having fancy houses and cars and spending lavishly on whatever attracts their eye?

Yet in all these years all I have ever seen is them doing what I want. Getting what I want. Even then every night before sleeping and several times during the day,I make a mental note.
' When I will be working and rich, I will get me this. I will go on a world tour.' 
and thats just the start of it all, there are so many things that I have told myself to buy when I am old.

Today, on my way back from my friends house I fell asleep in the car.Due to the movement my head would keep on falling to the side,disturbing my sleep. and then it stopped falling and I went into the deepest sleeping state ever.When I woke up, my dad had his arm in the most awkward position. The sort of position you change the very minute. but his arm wasnt moving.it was there,still. He was uncomfortable then why not move his arm?

Thats when I realised my head isnt moving because HE KEPT HIS ARM THERE, to support it so I can sleep.
Never in my life, have I done anything even close to what my parents have done for me. May be for you ,it was just an arm. But not all parents do it,especially not all fathers. He could have let my head be. but he didnt, he opted for discomfort for my comfort. How selfless it seems. The only memories I have, are the ones in which he is asleep and I am shouting and I wake him up.accidently ofcourse. but I never thought that my father is sleeping so I should be quiet. It never occured to me, HE was like I am.

I have been sitting and pondering.Thought after thought I feel worse, why have I never stepped up?Its not that I dont love him or I dont care.Its the fact that it never occurs to us children ,what our parents do for us. Had I never woken up, I wouldnt have known.It makes me wonder, how many things have my parents done that I have no idea about? I wouldnt ever, make my self uncomfortable just like that. I am selfish. but dad, he didnt seem to think anything was unordinary about the whole gesture.

Today, I am over emotional. Guilt is bothering me. It is indeed a silent calling to the subconscious.

Perhaps, the unknown keeps us glued to sinful desires. Denied pleasure will always raise curiostity.This, being the LAW OF ASSUMED NEGATIVITY.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Final Goodbye.

A week. That's all I have, before my life changes. You, my love, are my precious.
My mother,
My friend,
My energy,

My will,
My love,
My everything,
My SISTER.

You must leave and in that particular way, I am actually happy for you. But I dont like shopping for your departure.
Haan muje pata hai, you will always be there lekin sid, how can we be the same? YOU and ME?

How will 'mina mano' feel everytime her name is called.will mano not miss MINA? isnt that what started it all?the mina mano's , the mina apa's, the mina patti's .....
Will I not be reminded of you, every time I walk in the corridor or when I will sit in the room you, once occupied. Everyday, I shall see the door infront of my room ( our room) and wonder when will I see you again.
Will I want to wear your clothes, marinated in hugo boss?

Tears are streaming down my face, my heart is skipping beats.None of what I have written is emotional but the mere thought of not seeing you everyday,of not having you around and most of all, bidding you farewell is pulling my guts down the well.

I have always relied on you for every little and huge deal!You give me strength but you are my weakness. I need you forever, I will love you forever.
When you left for university I knew you will come back to me.I was sure, we will spend lots of time together building memories which will live till our last breath.

Now, you will be HIS.Forever. Dont get me wrong, he is a great person and inshallah you both will have all the happiness and sucess in the world.Its just that you will be so far away.GONE.
No matter where you go and what you become. Back home,here, in the corner room,where sunrays rarely reach It will always be ME, waiting for you with open arms.

These dances, they tire me. I dont enjoy them as much as I show. I dont really, have the energy to wear a happy face. But today,I will.
Lekin sid, who will keep an eye on me? who will love me,unconditionally? Who will be my best friend and do everything for me,big and small. Who will see me, for me? Who will make me believe in the best of life?and who will put a stop to my worries,panic attacks,depression,anger and every other emotion that I have ever felt?

Love you so much,so very much that now it HURTS.



Monday, October 18, 2010

ME-shells.

There are shells and then there are me-shells.What are those? well they are rare,almost extinct.
No, a me-shell doesnt have me,written over it. It's just a me-shell.Does it exist?let's google it.

Shells have their own specialities, me-shell is a fragment of my imagination. A fragment, YES. However me-shells exist,there are so many of them around us. Infact,on average we meet atleast 5-6 of them each year.
You dont have to look twice to tell them apart,they already know they dont fit in.

Truth be told, its not that they cant fit in.They just wont,why? May be they are afraid to be lost in the crowd or may be they actually dont give a crap about your thoughts.

Me-shells are independent and quiet.If you come face to face with them,they might try to scare you off with witty remarks,eye rolls and their I-am-not-interested attitude. 
Yes, they are indifferent but they dont forget anything. They notice it all even if they dont seem to. You will be surprised to find out that a ME-SHELL knows more than any of us combined. I dont know how they do it, I am not a me-shell.

So the next time you lie,sleep in class,swear in private,in short do anything you might want to hide, know that someone, somewhere, is watching you.Observing your every move.Your secret isnt much of a secret now,is it?  
You must not be alarmed though,you never know, what comes out of your oyster shell ,might just be a PEARL.

A pearl, that is exactly what my ME-SHELL is.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Profaholic.

As students, it is a great pleasure, to feel these things and know what it feels like to be tortured. It is what, I refer to as 'THE SLOW KILL'.

confessions:

1) We whine all year about our prof,how the questions are out of course or that no one ever taught us any of this.

2) As the year goes on,month after month, we repeatedly count the days to prof and get scared.

3) We avoid studying throughout the year.Eventually we have to hit the books,right?

4) We fight for a longer prep leave,why ofcourse we have the whole syllabus to cover in a month!

5) So our prep leave starts.
  •      DAY 1 we sleep,we need to be fresh to start.
  •      DAY 2, we stream all our favourite movies and series,must not be distracted while studying.
  •      DAY 3, we have to meet all our friends,its been so long!
  •      DAY 4,DAY 5,DAY 6......

6) A week before the prof we realise,OH DAMN,prof in a week! havent opened the books yet!

7) We cram as much knowledge as possible,we mix facts,form assumptions,hence, mentally we write our own books,strictly copyright.

8) Day of judgement, so here comes the result.no one knows what it is ,after all its not private,its universal,its on the freaking net! we run here and there, till we find out if we have passed or not.

9) One of the following scenario follows,
  • We pass,we jump around hugging each other and scream and yell convincing people:  YES WE ARE  MAD,HELL WE ARE MEDICAL STUDENTS.

  •   We dont pass, we feel ashamed and cry.Then we hear the shouting and yelling.curse silently.Try to kill the NERDS* with narrowed gazes.Crap.That doesnt work,now does it?

Why am I being such a drama?Well,I have exams in a week.What do I know?
NOTHING.

They tell us about patient trust,talk about peer pressure.


Dear Mr CDM,

I write to you so you can feel my pain,
To just make me feel sane.

Do you see,what has become of me?you torture us,day and night till we give up. We whine,we cry,we shout but nothing makes it easier on us.You are evil.You are trying to kill me.I dont like you and I shall burn you soon enough!

yours truely,
insane shady.

Lines that define Boundaries.

You sit quietly in the corner of your class staring into space. Thinking about what was and what never will be

How eight innocent girls laughed in the courtyard. The loud cheerful laugh, the sort that made people turn and wonder. Perfect days, full of sarcasm, irony, wit and humour. Laiden with only the best comments and plans. Such authority, ability to do the extreme. Live the extreme and be the extreme. What boundaries? What lines?
Under the lush green Japanese fruit tree,stand maturing girls. Right under the brown bark, next to the red brick building. Trademarks. Curious gazes shift from one person to the next in search of something more interesting than the gossip at hand.

The bell rings. Children rush out of their classes. Out of the buildings, pushing and screaming. A blue cube shaped excuse of a canteen. Girls yelling at the top of their lungs. Screaming for samoosa’s and top pops as though life depended on it. Crooked que’s, 6th graders squeezing their way through and the senior most class staring people down. The bell rings again, break is over. Many leave hungry but the seniors. They stay, eat and take some food to class. All is allowed.

Ninth grade-window row. Worst row. An unforgettable view of what never really mattered at the time. A want to be unique. Turns being taken to stand and sit. Annoying the biology teacher, making her wonder why she ever chose to teach them. Sit stand. Stand sit.

Computer, an amazing discovery and the perfect excuse for thoughtless flings. Long march to the lab and back. Accompanied by wolfish grins and flirtatious remarks. Little boys with such great expectations. Time for first love but all efforts in vain. Girls with different interests.

Eleventh grade, under the bridge, right next to the bathroom window. ‘I want you to stay don’t go with them’ attempts made to justify one decision made in absolute sincerity. Will to get across and make you understand. Failure. Your walk to the library, urgency to join the rest. Future at hand, alone. So very alone without you. Bitter nostalgia.

8 a.m. Pulse increasing as the clock ticks. Fifteen more minutes. Each second ensuring its worth is felt. Pupils dilate. It’s almost time. Line after line moves towards the *ground between the three huge buildings* .tick tock tick tock. Everyone is right in front. Friends and strangers, lovers and haters. Your name is called. You can’t breathe. Concentration is so much that you feel dizzy. Nausea. Long steps to the stage, you get your sash. Smile. An original but nervous smile. Eyes in search of familiar faces. There you are. Thank you for everything.

Friendships. Strange beginnings and sad ends. A letter capable of changing life. Bringing you close to other people. Three girls talk non-stop in class. Soul sisters. Your presence is still felt.

Mistakes and regrets are like egg and yolk. One follows the other. You loved her but you tried to tame her to your ways. Limits are not acceptable. Your downfall was because of what no one ever spoke off. Yet they exiled you. Life sentence. Final goodbyes turned to shouting, accusing and hurting. Too much anger and careless words. A couple of seconds leave eight long years forgotten. You loved me; at least that’s what I believe.

Plans and excitement. Your anticipation beyond imagination. A short run to the black and yellow car. Push, shift, make more room. Caught in the act. An angry man yelling and raising his stick as a warning. Getting down, being forced to re-enter the vicinity. Embarrassment, still beyond imagination. Breaking into a run. Find an excuse. Save face, must find excuse.

Then and now. Two years. Running short of memories. Pictures aren’t enough to pacify the heart. It wants more. Flesh and blood. Emotions. 
An invisible line starts to sketch its way into life. Pointing out the obvious. Continous lectures, long days. Conversations get shorter. Distance has arrived. Night gets lonelier and calmer. Heart is sinking. Absence is not appreciated, can be done without. Monthly gatherings. Lack of gossip. Sleep deprivation along with deprivations felt much more. Different aims, hopes, dreams and opinions. Personalities still matching but not as much. Attempts being made to restore the lost but its much more than us. Time and place and experiences. 

Some are stronger, some weirder and some unrelatably changed. In hopes to hear the unforgettable laughter the line defining our boundaries has been drawn.

Soul Sisters.


Three seeds in a peapod. That’s how close we were. You, me and her. Soul sisters.
Now you know nothing about me and me about you. Life has taken a drastic turn, in such little time. 

Infact, it is unbelievable how we are so different now. So apart. So painfully apart. I am sure it pains you like it pains me.

What did we do to reach this point? When did we become so alone? So independent. I miss you my besties.
To you these things we say to each other,these emotions we let ourselves feel and show. Have they started becoming shallower? Meaningless? Is it a routine?

The Return.

He returns for the sake of the forgotten love,the cherished memories and the time spent together.The question that troubles her; how long will he stay and what if he leaves again? can she muster enough courage to collect all the tiny pieces of her heart,her life will be in?is it all worth it or is too much at stake?either way whose loss is it and who will pay for whatever happens?

One can only hope for sunshine but it rains too,often unexpectedly.

where does she stand?she is weak, falling again. Crashing for the same guy, who had hurt her badly and broken her spirit.He made her question her decisions,regret her past.

She thinks she loves him.so it might be worth it. if not, then time will be her ally.She will live.She has to.She will overcome it all.once and for all.so let time decide.
Once again she trusts time with what is most precious to her.Hoping this time the hand will tick in her favour.
All is unkwown but hope prevails,destiny uncertain but dreams are still being dreamt.

Let your heart love and your mind decide,trust both.Because when you are alone..its both of these that hurt. 
Blame both and not just one.

Deserted.

In that one moment she had decided her fate.It wasn't hours or days,just a few seconds.She looked up at the sky,the sun rays burned against her eyes but she didn't blink.When she did, it wasnt because of the heat but the tears that ran down her face.She did not know what she wanted from all of this.
Did she want him to stay and love her back.or was it time that she denied herself that emotion and moved on.why was it so hard?There she was.At crossroads.she was lost.which way was the right one?

she spotted a little coffe shop by the corner and walked towards it.now the sky was dark and cloudy,like her mood,gloomy.As she sipped her coffee she saw Medusa walk in.she didnt blink for another moment...her face turned white.oh how much she dispised medusa.how had she even considered to come between him and her? That one move had destroyed them.him and her.
Werent they exclusive?but then what?all the love..all the memories, washed away.We never realize how strong our relationship is, till its really, trully je0pardised.
it was a matter of a few months.a few slow months. How little things had moved in and destroyed what was meant to be eternal.
But now it would never be.
What about that girl, sitting in the coffee shop. She had never loved before and now she never will. The one person she had allowed herself to love had evaded her. Now, whatever she said to anyone or to herself,changed nothing.He left. He didnt care, he was GONE.completely.now, why the resentment?

If a person has caused enough hurt to wipe off the smile on ur face,that too just by corrupting your thoughts,then clearly they have hurt you enough. They have broken YOU,the one part which deemed to be spared.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Distance.


There is a hole in my heart.

A big deep hole. Distance. That’s what I am losing you to. I built my life around you. I always dreamt of lying next to you, in summer and winter. I want you by my side forever, no matter what. Today, it feels like I wont have you around for long. My heart hurts. Such unexplainable pain. The extent of my loss is too great to be put in words.

Today my heart silently cries because we will never be what we thought years ago. Back then things made sense, they were real. 

 Now, you have left me to burn on my own. 

Fourteen.

Hers or mine?

Fourteen days of June. Lots of love. Memories and moments, all coming to an end. Dreams dreamt in  weeks and months, hope fading away. A sad end to perfection.

Perfect. That’s what she and you were. That’s what you imply.


Yes. So perfect. Fourteen days of April. Days forming a permanent stain on my brain. A stain of memories, compromise, internal fights and so much more.

Life changed so much after that. Things said and done because you matter so much. More than u will ever know or I will show. That’s just me, if I tell you the feeling will go away. Hide in a corner where it can not be found. So here I am today. Ouch.

That’s what 6th of august 2010 is about. The day you let her overshadow me. Unconsciously. I wish it was otherwise.

Fourteen days of April and many days after. All stand forgotten and seem so small in front of her.
I am not fighting.