Pages

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Frame of mind.

Going back to the days when farmville was the highlight of the day, there was facebook and nothing else. It was credited almost more than wikipedia, people stalked religously. The only place where stalkers were appreciated.
I will not deny it, I too was a stalker. When I had nothing better to do and even when I had to do everything in the world I spent numerous hours, countless days stalking random people. Going through profiles, albums, reading walls of popular people in school. It was a passion once.
Dont you think of me as a nothing-to-do-loser, it is not as bad as it sounds. We may never admit it but at the end of the day we all are stalkers and we are good at it! Some stalk other people while some stalk fame and money.
I remember how I would sit and wonder what my enemies are upto, who they talk to and what they say. It never occured to me that none of it matters as long as I am happy and in good health. It is like fire. It feeds on itself. Irritation changes to anger and anger to hatred, till a time comes when you strangle your enemy even in your thoughts.Every time you hear their name or see them, you want to punch or puke.
Pondering , I realized it was just a frame of my mind. Hate is too strong a feeling to be felt. It is for tyrants and murderers, or may be not even them. As humans we are automatically incapable of majorly hating someone to this extent, atleast mostly.
So I think I kept on telling myself that I hate them so I would not end up liking them? May be this does not make sense but now I feel we try to hate others just because we are scared of loving them or approving of them. We hate them because of  how they affect us, we never stop to analyse them as a person. We tick off all their qualities because we think we are right.
Now thinking about right and wrong. Who gets to decide this? Arent there times when we are neither right nor wrong. We are in between, neutral. Actually I think at times we are blinded by our emotions. If we do not approve of some one we may never appreciate anything good in them.
We all have secrets. We love to hide things about us that make us more appealing,mysterious. When we narrate an event, we always have a shady's factor to it. Now shady is not only me, it is every narrator! We add, we subtract according to our audience to present the best version of the event. We are masters at this, we alter an entire personality without thinking twice. We sell lies with a smile and we take down betrayers with love.
We judge others all the time and make harsh statements but when we are the spotlight, we forget. Everything disgusting and shameful to us becomes the next best thing.

There are many other things that we do, yes may be not you, well atleast not all the time ;)






Thursday, December 9, 2010

In search of.

A monster dwells within, growing strong and wild. It is a mixture of too many emotions that might have been suppressed knowingly. There is anger within hate , hate within jealousy , jealousy within love and right in the center is sadness, dissatisfaction.

 The reasons may be relevant but at this point I am not aware of them. All day I sit and listen and do what I have been told but somehow everything feels temporary,unimportant. I snap on little things even if they dont bother me as much. It is like a huge burden keeping me occupied. Making me think even in my sleep. I feel disturbed like I need to reach out to someone, only problem is I dont know who. Trying to recall hasnt helped either, dont remember anything that angered me so much. There is impatience, mistrust, expectation and may be something I cant define yet.
Why am I hesitant when I know what to do? What am I scared of? Is there more to it than meets the eye? I feel, I have fallen in a deep ditch. The only way out is by finding answers. But answers to what ? I havent felt this way in ages now. I dont like the feeling of not knowing what my mind wants
.
Feels like I am going in circles. Some time back I reached a point where I thought a lot of things we do arent necessary but we do them anyway. That feeling has started to fade away. Thankfully though. Where there is no target there is no significant gain.
Gain. May be thats where my problem lies. May be I have measured everything on the same scale of gain. Gain, yes it is a profit for us but it leaves everything meaningless. I was a person who would do anything for family, friends, people I know or who need help. While growing up I always saw the politics. I saw how people used others and forgot, how people blamed others for something they didnt do, hurtful gossip. I have seen it all very closely. I have merely been a part of it and a victim at times. I tried to stay away but I am sure I was not to blame any less. But even with all such evil selfish acts, at the back of my mind I knew, we all are kids and it is a phase which will die on its own.

 Two years back I ended up at a place which was 180 degrees opposite to my life. The people were different, aims,personality, hence everything was new. I would sit and look at each one of them and try to classify them in groups, try to label them in some way. Not any bad labels for public, just the sort one has in their mind using which we identify others around us. Person after person I saw the same thing. 

I can now sadly say, not everyone comes out of their childhood.It may be their personal decision but it isnt so personal when they hurt others.Then it is public.Now I see them using others,fooling them, gossiping about their bestfriends,yet all this is their business. However, when I saw how they had no problem compromising their social,religous and family values I was shocked. 

Back in highschool we all owned what we did and we always had limits.Strict lines never to cross.
I dont see them anymore. That was when the concept of gain came to my mind. I discarded it several times but then I stopped. Repeatedly I have seen how people change faces. I cant  bring myself to trust a person who isnt sincere to their best friends or who ridicule other people. I dont want to live a shallow, meaningless life. I have always wanted to befriend everyone and have a good time but at no one's expense.

There are things I feel and I know but words cant define them. All I want now is to not care about such things, to see beyond these. I have almost given up on the idea of good people. So what I want is for someone to show me what good really is. 

Is a single good human, too much to ask for?

Sunday, November 28, 2010

And everything goes on...

The sun has risen not long ago, cool winter breeze blows to welcome another day. The curtains fall calmly on the frosty windows. The birds are no where in sight. Winter mornings are slow and quiet. Even the mailman and the newspaper boy are late.The pure white persian cat curls up under the quilt just when the phone rings.

There it is. The news that will change everyones life forever. The cycle of life. For every life that is sent to this world another is taken away, maintaining the balance. Children are born, they grow old and die. No one notices or cares other than the immediate family. After a few days of sobbing, everyone moves on. They are not selfish, just realistic, for life waits for no one. You either work your way through or you let the current take you with it. The only choice is to do it gracefully.

There she is, lying there infront of me. They keep on saying, it seems like she is sleeping peacefully. They say she looks calm. They say a lot of other things too but none of it sinks in. They dont know what its like to be standing infront of her. I am sure they felt the same emotions when they had to go through it. However, at this particular moment, they dont relate to me. They repeat their sentences but it doesnt matter. She is gone. She wont ever be back and I will never see her again.

I will not move my hand on her smooth skin, hold her hand, fix her dupatta , give her water. I wont be doing anything with or for her ever again. You stand infront me of and ask me to stay strong and to not break down.
All I am thinking ; I am strong but there is no strength in this world that can face death.
I will not break down, for what is already in pieces cannot crumble anymore.

The clock keeps on ticking, it has no mercy on us.It ticks and ticks till it is time they take you away. Here they come,they lift you and take you away praying loudly. And here we are, fighting the urge to run after you. We let go because we have no choice.

The only consolation I have is a memory,so clear so true.There you were asking me to help you, put you out of your misery and all I could do for you was tell you ,in a bit. That day I finally saw life through another angle.

We spend all our lives building houses and buying cars.We opt for every materialistic thing we lay our eyes on. However, when our end is near, none of that means anything. Things are lifeless objects and objects donot console. Objects donot comfort or support. Objects just sit on their place and constantly remind you how shallow you actually are. How you always made the wrong choice and never saw relations above them.

Somehow you always knew this.You never cared who stole what as long as everyone was happy. You let go of so many things that would anger us but now I see why.Now I see a lot of things differently.
I cannot do anything to bring you back but pray. They say prayers change lives and I believe them. For it is my prayers that gave me another two weeks with you. We are your children, we are your legacy. We always were and we will always be.

Today,I just hope we turn out to be the best of humans. If not the best then only near the best.My prayers are yours,now and forever.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Ballai lugees.

For a woman who has loved me regardless of my acts,looks,language,behaviour,personality and character. My manners meant nothing to her neither did my ignorance. You would overlook all my deeds, all the times when I would defy you by playing out under the warm sunrays. I always thought it was fun to run out when you told me not to. Then you would follow me out the kitchen door, come to me, convince me to go in. I would never listen but somehow you would stay out with me.Under the sun you would wait for me to go back in with you. Regardless of your age and your strength.You stood by me.

I havent forgotten all those childhood days when you would forcefully shower me against my will. I would run around the house to avoid you but you would make it a point to shower me,comb my hair, change my clothes. You always treated me like your own child,like I mattered the same.

You were so weak and thin,yet on every dinner and lunch you would be on my case. Forcing me to eat and then eat a little more.You always worried so much for me when you had the choice not to. I wasnt your responsibility but you made me yours. 

I can, never forget those numerous days,thousands they are. When you would see me and say ballai lugees.I would wonder why would you say it to me.Why would you want all my pain and hardships? You couldnt handle any of those, you werent strong enough physically. Yet, even at the time you couldnt walk on your own and you couldnt remember me everytime you would say this to me. And everytime I would silently ask God to not listen to you. I would never want you to take my evil , never.

I still have the pink wool safe in  my cupboard. The one you told me you like. Its small but its there. Its something I relate to you and it makes me smile and feel loved everytime I look at it or hold it between my fingers.I remember that day really well.The conversation we had. How you wouldnt let me press your legs ,even though you were undeniably in severe pain.
For all the memories I have of you, I have not once told you that I love you and that none of it went unnoticed. That you matter to me and I  love you very much. I have never told you how glad I was ,when you recognized me on your sickest of days. How loved I felt ,when you would ask me if  I had eaten ,or asked me to go home, its late. I have never in my life, made you feel the way you made me feel. I have ,never held you the way you held me.May be, I can never match your love. May be I have failed you. I worry. I have regrets.I always took all that for granted, I never stopped, for even a second to thank you. Today ,I am really scared. I have no words or strength but I LOVE YOU.

This is for the woman who always put us before herself.This is for a mother who never loved less, for a wife who never forgot, for a grandmother who took our worst, for a relative who was always there,for a human who was taken for granted.

This is for a woman who is very sick and who might not recognize me, today.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Birthday.

Just re-read last nights crazy chant :P yes i am normal and no this isnt exactly a blog.i plan to talk to you,like you exist.

Today, was the bestest ever! mushkil, baboon and buna showed up to surprise me and got me such cool stuff cant begin to explain and the cake was AMAZINGGG ESP THE KITKAT BIT! ( we all had our eyes on it) hahahaha.

the party poper is such a funny thing but it scared the living daylights out of me! 
mental note: never get near that thing.


I guess when all seems dull and ordinary,your friends step up for you and make everything extra ordinary. I can without doubt say that I have the best friends in the world.  They have always been there for me and they surely know how to make me smilee and laugh crazyy!it is good to know such people,those who love without any conditions and you can kick them,push them,curse at them, in short do whatever THEY LOVE YOU EVEN MORE!!

birthday high I feel! crazy and emotional and a little funny! good day! amazing friends! loving family!
all as planned, now mr prof please B-E-H-A-V-E yourself and wish me HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOO! 


P.S : objects in a mirror may be closer than they appear, but balloons on the mirror look BEAUTIFUL! 

and they arent yours or hers btw! i own them all.MINE MINE MINE.THE PURPLE ONES,PINK YELLOW,LIMEGREEN,ORANGE,BLUE! ALL MINE! and mind you-i dont share :P


OH and you who think your so cool and on the top of the world.Know that every rise has a fall, every top has a bottom and every love comes with alone.

happiness= clearing prof,working,finishing my to-do-list,meeting up,getting monopoly and puzzles :P

Hence, shady's law of accomodation proves that happiness is directly related to all good things in life. wait. i guess you already knew that :P
eitherway.FOR TWENTY YEARS OF LIFE TO NOT GO TO WASTE I NEED THIS AND THAT.so if u happen to read this and think what a retard shady is.just for a second pray that i get this and that* because right now its all I have!

CHEERS TO TWENTY YEARS OF DRAMA, LOVE, SUCESS, HATE, FAILURE, LONLINESS, ATTITUDE, FRIENDS, STUDIES, ENEMIES, FAMILY, WEDDINGS, CHILDHOOD GAMES, CARELESSNESS, CRAZYNESS, LIES, SUPPORT ENCOURAGEMENT ANDDD PRETTYNESS!

and what twenty years of PRETTYNESS THEY WERE!

my regrets? several but i just dished em out.after all its my HAPPY TWENTIETH! thats prettyy biggg!tall.*looks down at you* KIDDING.I AM HIGH AND LEAVING.FAREWELL!


XOXO,
birthday shady.

3 rd November 2010.

Happy birthday to you.Happy birthday to you.Happy birthday Happy birthday Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to the old and the new,
Happy birthday to the obstacles left few,
Happy birthday to the gum you chew,
Happy birthday to the friends who love you.

Happy birthday to the green tree,
Happy birthday to the wishing spree,
Happy birthday to the unreasonable uni fee,
Happy birthday to me.


And  had I held my breath for you,
my dreams would never come true,
your thoughts made me blue, 
like a victim of flu.

Funny happy birthday song

Monday, November 1, 2010

For those who care but pretend otherwise....

In this world, there are many people, catagorized into various groups.The group that has got me thinking ,is of those particular people who we meet everyday. They care, we are sure they do! however, they wont ever own upto it.Like its something bad.

Labels, we all avoid them.Though it bothers me, how we assume telling someone how we feel and acting accordingly will expose us.Why do we play with our feelings and theirs? Its like hearts.The game of ace's and queens. Those who have mastered, win. While two's and three's get played over and over again. There are a few jacks and kings who deal with these things a little better than others. Everday, over and over that queen comes to class or your life. She makes you feel unwanted,she makes you question your feelings and thoughts.Another human being having the power to let you down, the ability to make you fall in your own eyes.And what a fall that is.

A boy who tells a girl she is his everything and then leaves her. A girl who tells her friend she will always be there and never is. A mother who promises to love you forever but she is never around. A pet who you adore and not otherwise. A hot cup of tea you want every morning to start your day, all you get is a few sips of cold water. Rain when all you wanted was sunsine.

People. Such artists we all are.The time of purity and truth has evaded us years ago.Then,I used to laugh more, smile at strangers because there was love and mystery and no tension in the world.

Now, I whine and frown.Every day I dress up,put an indifferent face and walk into the crowd.Those who dont matter ignore me, those who matter feel nothing. We hide our emotions to protect ourselves but we have become so lost in our own world that others dont matter. We all want to be loved but we are scared to love back. We want to be trusted but we cant ourselves. We want someone reliable but no one fits our  definition. We want happiness but 'OUR HAPPINESS' is something that never exists.

We set the highest possible standards and then we see ourselves fail.again and again. If you want something, do you put it on the top shelf where u can never reach? do u lock it in the store? do you give it away? Why have we put our feelings,thoughts,emotions,relations and everything else we have grown into, on that dusty shelf that we rarely visit.

Does it make us any better?Any stronger? Is hiding doing any of us good or is it the easiest way to throw everything away.
Today, it is 2010. Indifference, isnt an emotion but that is all we feel.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Hollywood For Pakistan Floods - Every Second that is ticking

HOT TOTTIE.

I am so cold, I am so cold.

Today, is exactly the kind of a day, when you have so much to say because you are overwhelmed but you cant. Your words have given up on you. You feel like shouting but for the sake of sanity ,you cant.

Thousands feet below me, there is water, turquoise and dreamy clean. Waves hitting each other continously. calmness in an apparently violent act. The breeze is blowing, faster now. It brings to me ,the sound of children playing on some faraway shore. The waves sing to me,soothe me.

I take a step and then another. No more steps ahead, just the great fall. I take a deep breath,close my eyes and think to myself ' no matter how many deaths I die, I will never forget'
Inhaling in as much air as humanly possible, I plunge forward. CRASH CRASH BURN.LET IT ALL BURN.

Picking speed,past the cold wind,past the pressure,past the memories ,past you and past me. Past all that matters and all that never will. The air pressing my eyes in,hurting them. I cant open them or keep them closed either. It is one vertical fall where nothing is under control.
The clock is ticking as I cover distance.Almost there.There it is, the cold water waves, holding on to me.Making me feel real and alive again.The pain has to go, have to let go......

On the top of the highest cliff in this world, that is where I want to be. That is where I am right  now, imagining the whole scene again and again,replaying it as my lips form a perfect U.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Bliss.

Ignorant are those who dont know, not those who dont show.

...

Here I am, Lost in your afterglow.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Guilt.

Guilt is what I feel lately, everytime I see their faces. A gardener sows the seed,waters it every day and protects it from the outside world till it blossoms into a beautiful tulip. such love,hard work and care.
And that is just a flower for us.just another flower that most of us never notice.


Can we compare humans with nature? How our parents compromise and work all their life to earn for us. Provide for us, shape our personality to make us better people? They let go of their desires , just for us.Werent they teenagers once?Had they never dreamt of having fancy houses and cars and spending lavishly on whatever attracts their eye?

Yet in all these years all I have ever seen is them doing what I want. Getting what I want. Even then every night before sleeping and several times during the day,I make a mental note.
' When I will be working and rich, I will get me this. I will go on a world tour.' 
and thats just the start of it all, there are so many things that I have told myself to buy when I am old.

Today, on my way back from my friends house I fell asleep in the car.Due to the movement my head would keep on falling to the side,disturbing my sleep. and then it stopped falling and I went into the deepest sleeping state ever.When I woke up, my dad had his arm in the most awkward position. The sort of position you change the very minute. but his arm wasnt moving.it was there,still. He was uncomfortable then why not move his arm?

Thats when I realised my head isnt moving because HE KEPT HIS ARM THERE, to support it so I can sleep.
Never in my life, have I done anything even close to what my parents have done for me. May be for you ,it was just an arm. But not all parents do it,especially not all fathers. He could have let my head be. but he didnt, he opted for discomfort for my comfort. How selfless it seems. The only memories I have, are the ones in which he is asleep and I am shouting and I wake him up.accidently ofcourse. but I never thought that my father is sleeping so I should be quiet. It never occured to me, HE was like I am.

I have been sitting and pondering.Thought after thought I feel worse, why have I never stepped up?Its not that I dont love him or I dont care.Its the fact that it never occurs to us children ,what our parents do for us. Had I never woken up, I wouldnt have known.It makes me wonder, how many things have my parents done that I have no idea about? I wouldnt ever, make my self uncomfortable just like that. I am selfish. but dad, he didnt seem to think anything was unordinary about the whole gesture.

Today, I am over emotional. Guilt is bothering me. It is indeed a silent calling to the subconscious.

Perhaps, the unknown keeps us glued to sinful desires. Denied pleasure will always raise curiostity.This, being the LAW OF ASSUMED NEGATIVITY.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Final Goodbye.

A week. That's all I have, before my life changes. You, my love, are my precious.
My mother,
My friend,
My energy,

My will,
My love,
My everything,
My SISTER.

You must leave and in that particular way, I am actually happy for you. But I dont like shopping for your departure.
Haan muje pata hai, you will always be there lekin sid, how can we be the same? YOU and ME?

How will 'mina mano' feel everytime her name is called.will mano not miss MINA? isnt that what started it all?the mina mano's , the mina apa's, the mina patti's .....
Will I not be reminded of you, every time I walk in the corridor or when I will sit in the room you, once occupied. Everyday, I shall see the door infront of my room ( our room) and wonder when will I see you again.
Will I want to wear your clothes, marinated in hugo boss?

Tears are streaming down my face, my heart is skipping beats.None of what I have written is emotional but the mere thought of not seeing you everyday,of not having you around and most of all, bidding you farewell is pulling my guts down the well.

I have always relied on you for every little and huge deal!You give me strength but you are my weakness. I need you forever, I will love you forever.
When you left for university I knew you will come back to me.I was sure, we will spend lots of time together building memories which will live till our last breath.

Now, you will be HIS.Forever. Dont get me wrong, he is a great person and inshallah you both will have all the happiness and sucess in the world.Its just that you will be so far away.GONE.
No matter where you go and what you become. Back home,here, in the corner room,where sunrays rarely reach It will always be ME, waiting for you with open arms.

These dances, they tire me. I dont enjoy them as much as I show. I dont really, have the energy to wear a happy face. But today,I will.
Lekin sid, who will keep an eye on me? who will love me,unconditionally? Who will be my best friend and do everything for me,big and small. Who will see me, for me? Who will make me believe in the best of life?and who will put a stop to my worries,panic attacks,depression,anger and every other emotion that I have ever felt?

Love you so much,so very much that now it HURTS.



Monday, October 18, 2010

ME-shells.

There are shells and then there are me-shells.What are those? well they are rare,almost extinct.
No, a me-shell doesnt have me,written over it. It's just a me-shell.Does it exist?let's google it.

Shells have their own specialities, me-shell is a fragment of my imagination. A fragment, YES. However me-shells exist,there are so many of them around us. Infact,on average we meet atleast 5-6 of them each year.
You dont have to look twice to tell them apart,they already know they dont fit in.

Truth be told, its not that they cant fit in.They just wont,why? May be they are afraid to be lost in the crowd or may be they actually dont give a crap about your thoughts.

Me-shells are independent and quiet.If you come face to face with them,they might try to scare you off with witty remarks,eye rolls and their I-am-not-interested attitude. 
Yes, they are indifferent but they dont forget anything. They notice it all even if they dont seem to. You will be surprised to find out that a ME-SHELL knows more than any of us combined. I dont know how they do it, I am not a me-shell.

So the next time you lie,sleep in class,swear in private,in short do anything you might want to hide, know that someone, somewhere, is watching you.Observing your every move.Your secret isnt much of a secret now,is it?  
You must not be alarmed though,you never know, what comes out of your oyster shell ,might just be a PEARL.

A pearl, that is exactly what my ME-SHELL is.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Profaholic.

As students, it is a great pleasure, to feel these things and know what it feels like to be tortured. It is what, I refer to as 'THE SLOW KILL'.

confessions:

1) We whine all year about our prof,how the questions are out of course or that no one ever taught us any of this.

2) As the year goes on,month after month, we repeatedly count the days to prof and get scared.

3) We avoid studying throughout the year.Eventually we have to hit the books,right?

4) We fight for a longer prep leave,why ofcourse we have the whole syllabus to cover in a month!

5) So our prep leave starts.
  •      DAY 1 we sleep,we need to be fresh to start.
  •      DAY 2, we stream all our favourite movies and series,must not be distracted while studying.
  •      DAY 3, we have to meet all our friends,its been so long!
  •      DAY 4,DAY 5,DAY 6......

6) A week before the prof we realise,OH DAMN,prof in a week! havent opened the books yet!

7) We cram as much knowledge as possible,we mix facts,form assumptions,hence, mentally we write our own books,strictly copyright.

8) Day of judgement, so here comes the result.no one knows what it is ,after all its not private,its universal,its on the freaking net! we run here and there, till we find out if we have passed or not.

9) One of the following scenario follows,
  • We pass,we jump around hugging each other and scream and yell convincing people:  YES WE ARE  MAD,HELL WE ARE MEDICAL STUDENTS.

  •   We dont pass, we feel ashamed and cry.Then we hear the shouting and yelling.curse silently.Try to kill the NERDS* with narrowed gazes.Crap.That doesnt work,now does it?

Why am I being such a drama?Well,I have exams in a week.What do I know?
NOTHING.

They tell us about patient trust,talk about peer pressure.


Dear Mr CDM,

I write to you so you can feel my pain,
To just make me feel sane.

Do you see,what has become of me?you torture us,day and night till we give up. We whine,we cry,we shout but nothing makes it easier on us.You are evil.You are trying to kill me.I dont like you and I shall burn you soon enough!

yours truely,
insane shady.

Lines that define Boundaries.

You sit quietly in the corner of your class staring into space. Thinking about what was and what never will be

How eight innocent girls laughed in the courtyard. The loud cheerful laugh, the sort that made people turn and wonder. Perfect days, full of sarcasm, irony, wit and humour. Laiden with only the best comments and plans. Such authority, ability to do the extreme. Live the extreme and be the extreme. What boundaries? What lines?
Under the lush green Japanese fruit tree,stand maturing girls. Right under the brown bark, next to the red brick building. Trademarks. Curious gazes shift from one person to the next in search of something more interesting than the gossip at hand.

The bell rings. Children rush out of their classes. Out of the buildings, pushing and screaming. A blue cube shaped excuse of a canteen. Girls yelling at the top of their lungs. Screaming for samoosa’s and top pops as though life depended on it. Crooked que’s, 6th graders squeezing their way through and the senior most class staring people down. The bell rings again, break is over. Many leave hungry but the seniors. They stay, eat and take some food to class. All is allowed.

Ninth grade-window row. Worst row. An unforgettable view of what never really mattered at the time. A want to be unique. Turns being taken to stand and sit. Annoying the biology teacher, making her wonder why she ever chose to teach them. Sit stand. Stand sit.

Computer, an amazing discovery and the perfect excuse for thoughtless flings. Long march to the lab and back. Accompanied by wolfish grins and flirtatious remarks. Little boys with such great expectations. Time for first love but all efforts in vain. Girls with different interests.

Eleventh grade, under the bridge, right next to the bathroom window. ‘I want you to stay don’t go with them’ attempts made to justify one decision made in absolute sincerity. Will to get across and make you understand. Failure. Your walk to the library, urgency to join the rest. Future at hand, alone. So very alone without you. Bitter nostalgia.

8 a.m. Pulse increasing as the clock ticks. Fifteen more minutes. Each second ensuring its worth is felt. Pupils dilate. It’s almost time. Line after line moves towards the *ground between the three huge buildings* .tick tock tick tock. Everyone is right in front. Friends and strangers, lovers and haters. Your name is called. You can’t breathe. Concentration is so much that you feel dizzy. Nausea. Long steps to the stage, you get your sash. Smile. An original but nervous smile. Eyes in search of familiar faces. There you are. Thank you for everything.

Friendships. Strange beginnings and sad ends. A letter capable of changing life. Bringing you close to other people. Three girls talk non-stop in class. Soul sisters. Your presence is still felt.

Mistakes and regrets are like egg and yolk. One follows the other. You loved her but you tried to tame her to your ways. Limits are not acceptable. Your downfall was because of what no one ever spoke off. Yet they exiled you. Life sentence. Final goodbyes turned to shouting, accusing and hurting. Too much anger and careless words. A couple of seconds leave eight long years forgotten. You loved me; at least that’s what I believe.

Plans and excitement. Your anticipation beyond imagination. A short run to the black and yellow car. Push, shift, make more room. Caught in the act. An angry man yelling and raising his stick as a warning. Getting down, being forced to re-enter the vicinity. Embarrassment, still beyond imagination. Breaking into a run. Find an excuse. Save face, must find excuse.

Then and now. Two years. Running short of memories. Pictures aren’t enough to pacify the heart. It wants more. Flesh and blood. Emotions. 
An invisible line starts to sketch its way into life. Pointing out the obvious. Continous lectures, long days. Conversations get shorter. Distance has arrived. Night gets lonelier and calmer. Heart is sinking. Absence is not appreciated, can be done without. Monthly gatherings. Lack of gossip. Sleep deprivation along with deprivations felt much more. Different aims, hopes, dreams and opinions. Personalities still matching but not as much. Attempts being made to restore the lost but its much more than us. Time and place and experiences. 

Some are stronger, some weirder and some unrelatably changed. In hopes to hear the unforgettable laughter the line defining our boundaries has been drawn.

Soul Sisters.


Three seeds in a peapod. That’s how close we were. You, me and her. Soul sisters.
Now you know nothing about me and me about you. Life has taken a drastic turn, in such little time. 

Infact, it is unbelievable how we are so different now. So apart. So painfully apart. I am sure it pains you like it pains me.

What did we do to reach this point? When did we become so alone? So independent. I miss you my besties.
To you these things we say to each other,these emotions we let ourselves feel and show. Have they started becoming shallower? Meaningless? Is it a routine?

The Return.

He returns for the sake of the forgotten love,the cherished memories and the time spent together.The question that troubles her; how long will he stay and what if he leaves again? can she muster enough courage to collect all the tiny pieces of her heart,her life will be in?is it all worth it or is too much at stake?either way whose loss is it and who will pay for whatever happens?

One can only hope for sunshine but it rains too,often unexpectedly.

where does she stand?she is weak, falling again. Crashing for the same guy, who had hurt her badly and broken her spirit.He made her question her decisions,regret her past.

She thinks she loves him.so it might be worth it. if not, then time will be her ally.She will live.She has to.She will overcome it all.once and for all.so let time decide.
Once again she trusts time with what is most precious to her.Hoping this time the hand will tick in her favour.
All is unkwown but hope prevails,destiny uncertain but dreams are still being dreamt.

Let your heart love and your mind decide,trust both.Because when you are alone..its both of these that hurt. 
Blame both and not just one.

Deserted.

In that one moment she had decided her fate.It wasn't hours or days,just a few seconds.She looked up at the sky,the sun rays burned against her eyes but she didn't blink.When she did, it wasnt because of the heat but the tears that ran down her face.She did not know what she wanted from all of this.
Did she want him to stay and love her back.or was it time that she denied herself that emotion and moved on.why was it so hard?There she was.At crossroads.she was lost.which way was the right one?

she spotted a little coffe shop by the corner and walked towards it.now the sky was dark and cloudy,like her mood,gloomy.As she sipped her coffee she saw Medusa walk in.she didnt blink for another moment...her face turned white.oh how much she dispised medusa.how had she even considered to come between him and her? That one move had destroyed them.him and her.
Werent they exclusive?but then what?all the love..all the memories, washed away.We never realize how strong our relationship is, till its really, trully je0pardised.
it was a matter of a few months.a few slow months. How little things had moved in and destroyed what was meant to be eternal.
But now it would never be.
What about that girl, sitting in the coffee shop. She had never loved before and now she never will. The one person she had allowed herself to love had evaded her. Now, whatever she said to anyone or to herself,changed nothing.He left. He didnt care, he was GONE.completely.now, why the resentment?

If a person has caused enough hurt to wipe off the smile on ur face,that too just by corrupting your thoughts,then clearly they have hurt you enough. They have broken YOU,the one part which deemed to be spared.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Distance.


There is a hole in my heart.

A big deep hole. Distance. That’s what I am losing you to. I built my life around you. I always dreamt of lying next to you, in summer and winter. I want you by my side forever, no matter what. Today, it feels like I wont have you around for long. My heart hurts. Such unexplainable pain. The extent of my loss is too great to be put in words.

Today my heart silently cries because we will never be what we thought years ago. Back then things made sense, they were real. 

 Now, you have left me to burn on my own. 

Fourteen.

Hers or mine?

Fourteen days of June. Lots of love. Memories and moments, all coming to an end. Dreams dreamt in  weeks and months, hope fading away. A sad end to perfection.

Perfect. That’s what she and you were. That’s what you imply.


Yes. So perfect. Fourteen days of April. Days forming a permanent stain on my brain. A stain of memories, compromise, internal fights and so much more.

Life changed so much after that. Things said and done because you matter so much. More than u will ever know or I will show. That’s just me, if I tell you the feeling will go away. Hide in a corner where it can not be found. So here I am today. Ouch.

That’s what 6th of august 2010 is about. The day you let her overshadow me. Unconsciously. I wish it was otherwise.

Fourteen days of April and many days after. All stand forgotten and seem so small in front of her.
I am not fighting.