Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Frame of mind.

Going back to the days when farmville was the highlight of the day, there was facebook and nothing else. It was credited almost more than wikipedia, people stalked religously. The only place where stalkers were appreciated.
I will not deny it, I too was a stalker. When I had nothing better to do and even when I had to do everything in the world I spent numerous hours, countless days stalking random people. Going through profiles, albums, reading walls of popular people in school. It was a passion once.
Dont you think of me as a nothing-to-do-loser, it is not as bad as it sounds. We may never admit it but at the end of the day we all are stalkers and we are good at it! Some stalk other people while some stalk fame and money.
I remember how I would sit and wonder what my enemies are upto, who they talk to and what they say. It never occured to me that none of it matters as long as I am happy and in good health. It is like fire. It feeds on itself. Irritation changes to anger and anger to hatred, till a time comes when you strangle your enemy even in your thoughts.Every time you hear their name or see them, you want to punch or puke.
Pondering , I realized it was just a frame of my mind. Hate is too strong a feeling to be felt. It is for tyrants and murderers, or may be not even them. As humans we are automatically incapable of majorly hating someone to this extent, atleast mostly.
So I think I kept on telling myself that I hate them so I would not end up liking them? May be this does not make sense but now I feel we try to hate others just because we are scared of loving them or approving of them. We hate them because of  how they affect us, we never stop to analyse them as a person. We tick off all their qualities because we think we are right.
Now thinking about right and wrong. Who gets to decide this? Arent there times when we are neither right nor wrong. We are in between, neutral. Actually I think at times we are blinded by our emotions. If we do not approve of some one we may never appreciate anything good in them.
We all have secrets. We love to hide things about us that make us more appealing,mysterious. When we narrate an event, we always have a shady's factor to it. Now shady is not only me, it is every narrator! We add, we subtract according to our audience to present the best version of the event. We are masters at this, we alter an entire personality without thinking twice. We sell lies with a smile and we take down betrayers with love.
We judge others all the time and make harsh statements but when we are the spotlight, we forget. Everything disgusting and shameful to us becomes the next best thing.

There are many other things that we do, yes may be not you, well atleast not all the time ;)

Thursday, December 9, 2010

In search of.

A monster dwells within, growing strong and wild. It is a mixture of too many emotions that might have been suppressed knowingly. There is anger within hate , hate within jealousy , jealousy within love and right in the center is sadness, dissatisfaction.

 The reasons may be relevant but at this point I am not aware of them. All day I sit and listen and do what I have been told but somehow everything feels temporary,unimportant. I snap on little things even if they dont bother me as much. It is like a huge burden keeping me occupied. Making me think even in my sleep. I feel disturbed like I need to reach out to someone, only problem is I dont know who. Trying to recall hasnt helped either, dont remember anything that angered me so much. There is impatience, mistrust, expectation and may be something I cant define yet.
Why am I hesitant when I know what to do? What am I scared of? Is there more to it than meets the eye? I feel, I have fallen in a deep ditch. The only way out is by finding answers. But answers to what ? I havent felt this way in ages now. I dont like the feeling of not knowing what my mind wants
Feels like I am going in circles. Some time back I reached a point where I thought a lot of things we do arent necessary but we do them anyway. That feeling has started to fade away. Thankfully though. Where there is no target there is no significant gain.
Gain. May be thats where my problem lies. May be I have measured everything on the same scale of gain. Gain, yes it is a profit for us but it leaves everything meaningless. I was a person who would do anything for family, friends, people I know or who need help. While growing up I always saw the politics. I saw how people used others and forgot, how people blamed others for something they didnt do, hurtful gossip. I have seen it all very closely. I have merely been a part of it and a victim at times. I tried to stay away but I am sure I was not to blame any less. But even with all such evil selfish acts, at the back of my mind I knew, we all are kids and it is a phase which will die on its own.

 Two years back I ended up at a place which was 180 degrees opposite to my life. The people were different, aims,personality, hence everything was new. I would sit and look at each one of them and try to classify them in groups, try to label them in some way. Not any bad labels for public, just the sort one has in their mind using which we identify others around us. Person after person I saw the same thing. 

I can now sadly say, not everyone comes out of their childhood.It may be their personal decision but it isnt so personal when they hurt others.Then it is public.Now I see them using others,fooling them, gossiping about their bestfriends,yet all this is their business. However, when I saw how they had no problem compromising their social,religous and family values I was shocked. 

Back in highschool we all owned what we did and we always had limits.Strict lines never to cross.
I dont see them anymore. That was when the concept of gain came to my mind. I discarded it several times but then I stopped. Repeatedly I have seen how people change faces. I cant  bring myself to trust a person who isnt sincere to their best friends or who ridicule other people. I dont want to live a shallow, meaningless life. I have always wanted to befriend everyone and have a good time but at no one's expense.

There are things I feel and I know but words cant define them. All I want now is to not care about such things, to see beyond these. I have almost given up on the idea of good people. So what I want is for someone to show me what good really is. 

Is a single good human, too much to ask for?