And everything goes on...

The sun has risen not long ago, cool winter breeze blows to welcome another day. The curtains fall calmly on the frosty windows. The birds are no where in sight. Winter mornings are slow and quiet. Even the mailman and the newspaper boy are late.The pure white persian cat curls up under the quilt just when the phone rings.

There it is. The news that will change everyones life forever. The cycle of life. For every life that is sent to this world another is taken away, maintaining the balance. Children are born, they grow old and die. No one notices or cares other than the immediate family. After a few days of sobbing, everyone moves on. They are not selfish, just realistic, for life waits for no one. You either work your way through or you let the current take you with it. The only choice is to do it gracefully.

There she is, lying there infront of me. They keep on saying, it seems like she is sleeping peacefully. They say she looks calm. They say a lot of other things too but none of it sinks in. They dont know what its like to be standing infront of her. I am sure they felt the same emotions when they had to go through it. However, at this particular moment, they dont relate to me. They repeat their sentences but it doesnt matter. She is gone. She wont ever be back and I will never see her again.

I will not move my hand on her smooth skin, hold her hand, fix her dupatta , give her water. I wont be doing anything with or for her ever again. You stand infront me of and ask me to stay strong and to not break down.

All I am thinking ; I am strong but there is no strength in this world that can face death.

I will not break down, for what is already in pieces cannot crumble anymore.

The clock keeps on ticking, it has no mercy on us.It ticks and ticks till it is time they take you away. Here they come,they lift you and take you away praying loudly. And here we are, fighting the urge to run after you. We let go because we have no choice.

The only consolation I have is a memory,so clear so true.There you were asking me to help you, put you out of your misery and all I could do for you was tell you ,in a bit. That day I finally saw life through another angle.

We spend all our lives building houses and buying cars.We opt for every materialistic thing we lay our eyes on. However, when our end is near, none of that means anything. Things are lifeless objects and objects donot console. Objects donot comfort or support. Objects just sit on their place and constantly remind you how shallow you actually are. How you always made the wrong choice and never saw relations above them.

Somehow you always knew this.You never cared who stole what as long as everyone was happy. You let go of so many things that would anger us but now I see why.Now I see a lot of things differently.

I cannot do anything to bring you back but pray. They say prayers change lives and I believe them. For it is my prayers that gave me another two weeks with you. We are your children, we are your legacy. We always were and we will always be.

Today,I just hope we turn out to be the best of humans. If not the best then only near the best.My prayers are yours,now and forever.

Ballai lugees.

For a woman who has loved me regardless of my acts,looks,language,behaviour,personality and character. My manners meant nothing to her neither did my ignorance. You would overlook all my deeds, all the times when I would defy you by playing out under the warm sunrays. I always thought it was fun to run out when you told me not to. Then you would follow me out the kitchen door, come to me, convince me to go in. I would never listen but somehow you would stay out with me.Under the sun you would wait for me to go back in with you. Regardless of your age and your strength.You stood by me.

I havent forgotten all those childhood days when you would forcefully shower me against my will. I would run around the house to avoid you but you would make it a point to shower me,comb my hair, change my clothes. You always treated me like your own child,like I mattered the same.

You were so weak and thin,yet on every dinner and lunch you would be on my case. Forcing me to eat and then eat a little more.You always worried so much for me when you had the choice not to. I wasnt your responsibility but you made me yours. 

I can, never forget those numerous days,thousands they are. When you would see me and say ballai lugees.I would wonder why would you say it to me.Why would you want all my pain and hardships? You couldnt handle any of those, you werent strong enough physically. Yet, even at the time you couldnt walk on your own and you couldnt remember me everytime you would say this to me. And everytime I would silently ask God to not listen to you. I would never want you to take my evil , never.

I still have the pink wool safe in  my cupboard. The one you told me you like. Its small but its there. Its something I relate to you and it makes me smile and feel loved everytime I look at it or hold it between my fingers.I remember that day really well.The conversation we had. How you wouldnt let me press your legs ,even though you were undeniably in severe pain.

For all the memories I have of you, I have not once told you that I love you and that none of it went unnoticed. That you matter to me and I  love you very much. I have never told you how glad I was ,when you recognized me on your sickest of days. How loved I felt ,when you would ask me if  I had eaten ,or asked me to go home, its late. I have never in my life, made you feel the way you made me feel. I have ,never held you the way you held me.May be, I can never match your love. May be I have failed you. I worry. I have regrets.I always took all that for granted, I never stopped, for even a second to thank you. Today ,I am really scared. I have no words or strength but I LOVE YOU.

This is for the woman who always put us before herself.This is for a mother who never loved less, for a wife who never forgot, for a grandmother who took our worst, for a relative who was always there,for a human who was taken for granted.

This is for a woman who is very sick and who might not recognize me, today.

For those who care but pretend otherwise....

In this world, there are many people, catagorized into various groups.The group that has got me thinking ,is of those particular people who we meet everyday. They care, we are sure they do! however, they wont ever own upto it.Like its something bad.

Labels, we all avoid them.Though it bothers me, how we assume telling someone how we feel and acting accordingly will expose us.Why do we play with our feelings and theirs? Its like hearts.The game of ace's and queens. Those who have mastered, win. While two's and three's get played over and over again. There are a few jacks and kings who deal with these things a little better than others. Everday, over and over that queen comes to class or your life. She makes you feel unwanted,she makes you question your feelings and thoughts.Another human being having the power to let you down, the ability to make you fall in your own eyes.And what a fall that is.

A boy who tells a girl she is his everything and then leaves her. A girl who tells her friend she will always be there and never is. A mother who promises to love you forever but she is never around. A pet who you adore and not otherwise. A hot cup of tea you want every morning to start your day, all you get is a few sips of cold water. Rain when all you wanted was sunsine.

People. Such artists we all are.The time of purity and truth has evaded us years ago.Then,I used to laugh more, smile at strangers because there was love and mystery and no tension in the world.

Now, I whine and frown.Every day I dress up,put an indifferent face and walk into the crowd.Those who dont matter ignore me, those who matter feel nothing. We hide our emotions to protect ourselves but we have become so lost in our own world that others dont matter. We all want to be loved but we are scared to love back. We want to be trusted but we cant ourselves. We want someone reliable but no one fits our  definition. We want happiness but 'OUR HAPPINESS' is something that never exists.

We set the highest possible standards and then we see ourselves fail.again and again. If you want something, do you put it on the top shelf where u can never reach? do u lock it in the store? do you give it away? Why have we put our feelings,thoughts,emotions,relations and everything else we have grown into, on that dusty shelf that we rarely visit.

Does it make us any better?Any stronger? Is hiding doing any of us good or is it the easiest way to throw everything away.

Today, it is 2010. Indifference, isnt an emotion but that is all we feel.