And everything goes on...

The sun has risen not long ago, cool winter breeze blows to welcome another day. The curtains fall calmly on the frosty windows. The birds are no where in sight. Winter mornings are slow and quiet. Even the mailman and the newspaper boy are late.The pure white persian cat curls up under the quilt just when the phone rings.

There it is. The news that will change everyones life forever. The cycle of life. For every life that is sent to this world another is taken away, maintaining the balance. Children are born, they grow old and die. No one notices or cares other than the immediate family. After a few days of sobbing, everyone moves on. They are not selfish, just realistic, for life waits for no one. You either work your way through or you let the current take you with it. The only choice is to do it gracefully.

There she is, lying there infront of me. They keep on saying, it seems like she is sleeping peacefully. They say she looks calm. They say a lot of other things too but none of it sinks in. They dont know what its like to be standing infront of her. I am sure they felt the same emotions when they had to go through it. However, at this particular moment, they dont relate to me. They repeat their sentences but it doesnt matter. She is gone. She wont ever be back and I will never see her again.

I will not move my hand on her smooth skin, hold her hand, fix her dupatta , give her water. I wont be doing anything with or for her ever again. You stand infront me of and ask me to stay strong and to not break down.

All I am thinking ; I am strong but there is no strength in this world that can face death.

I will not break down, for what is already in pieces cannot crumble anymore.

The clock keeps on ticking, it has no mercy on us.It ticks and ticks till it is time they take you away. Here they come,they lift you and take you away praying loudly. And here we are, fighting the urge to run after you. We let go because we have no choice.

The only consolation I have is a memory,so clear so true.There you were asking me to help you, put you out of your misery and all I could do for you was tell you ,in a bit. That day I finally saw life through another angle.

We spend all our lives building houses and buying cars.We opt for every materialistic thing we lay our eyes on. However, when our end is near, none of that means anything. Things are lifeless objects and objects donot console. Objects donot comfort or support. Objects just sit on their place and constantly remind you how shallow you actually are. How you always made the wrong choice and never saw relations above them.

Somehow you always knew this.You never cared who stole what as long as everyone was happy. You let go of so many things that would anger us but now I see why.Now I see a lot of things differently.

I cannot do anything to bring you back but pray. They say prayers change lives and I believe them. For it is my prayers that gave me another two weeks with you. We are your children, we are your legacy. We always were and we will always be.

Today,I just hope we turn out to be the best of humans. If not the best then only near the best.My prayers are yours,now and forever.

Ballai lugees.

For a woman who has loved me regardless of my acts,looks,language,behaviour,personality and character. My manners meant nothing to her neither did my ignorance. You would overlook all my deeds, all the times when I would defy you by playing out under the warm sunrays. I always thought it was fun to run out when you told me not to. Then you would follow me out the kitchen door, come to me, convince me to go in. I would never listen but somehow you would stay out with me.Under the sun you would wait for me to go back in with you. Regardless of your age and your strength.You stood by me.

I havent forgotten all those childhood days when you would forcefully shower me against my will. I would run around the house to avoid you but you would make it a point to shower me,comb my hair, change my clothes. You always treated me like your own child,like I mattered the same.

You were so weak and thin,yet on every dinner and lunch you would be on my case. Forcing me to eat and then eat a little more.You always worried so much for me when you had the choice not to. I wasnt your responsibility but you made me yours. 

I can, never forget those numerous days,thousands they are. When you would see me and say ballai lugees.I would wonder why would you say it to me.Why would you want all my pain and hardships? You couldnt handle any of those, you werent strong enough physically. Yet, even at the time you couldnt walk on your own and you couldnt remember me everytime you would say this to me. And everytime I would silently ask God to not listen to you. I would never want you to take my evil , never.

I still have the pink wool safe in  my cupboard. The one you told me you like. Its small but its there. Its something I relate to you and it makes me smile and feel loved everytime I look at it or hold it between my fingers.I remember that day really well.The conversation we had. How you wouldnt let me press your legs ,even though you were undeniably in severe pain.

For all the memories I have of you, I have not once told you that I love you and that none of it went unnoticed. That you matter to me and I  love you very much. I have never told you how glad I was ,when you recognized me on your sickest of days. How loved I felt ,when you would ask me if  I had eaten ,or asked me to go home, its late. I have never in my life, made you feel the way you made me feel. I have ,never held you the way you held me.May be, I can never match your love. May be I have failed you. I worry. I have regrets.I always took all that for granted, I never stopped, for even a second to thank you. Today ,I am really scared. I have no words or strength but I LOVE YOU.

This is for the woman who always put us before herself.This is for a mother who never loved less, for a wife who never forgot, for a grandmother who took our worst, for a relative who was always there,for a human who was taken for granted.

This is for a woman who is very sick and who might not recognize me, today.

For those who care but pretend otherwise....

In this world, there are many people, catagorized into various groups.The group that has got me thinking ,is of those particular people who we meet everyday. They care, we are sure they do! however, they wont ever own upto it.Like its something bad.

Labels, we all avoid them.Though it bothers me, how we assume telling someone how we feel and acting accordingly will expose us.Why do we play with our feelings and theirs? Its like hearts.The game of ace's and queens. Those who have mastered, win. While two's and three's get played over and over again. There are a few jacks and kings who deal with these things a little better than others. Everday, over and over that queen comes to class or your life. She makes you feel unwanted,she makes you question your feelings and thoughts.Another human being having the power to let you down, the ability to make you fall in your own eyes.And what a fall that is.

A boy who tells a girl she is his everything and then leaves her. A girl who tells her friend she will always be there and never is. A mother who promises to love you forever but she is never around. A pet who you adore and not otherwise. A hot cup of tea you want every morning to start your day, all you get is a few sips of cold water. Rain when all you wanted was sunsine.

People. Such artists we all are.The time of purity and truth has evaded us years ago.Then,I used to laugh more, smile at strangers because there was love and mystery and no tension in the world.

Now, I whine and frown.Every day I dress up,put an indifferent face and walk into the crowd.Those who dont matter ignore me, those who matter feel nothing. We hide our emotions to protect ourselves but we have become so lost in our own world that others dont matter. We all want to be loved but we are scared to love back. We want to be trusted but we cant ourselves. We want someone reliable but no one fits our  definition. We want happiness but 'OUR HAPPINESS' is something that never exists.

We set the highest possible standards and then we see ourselves fail.again and again. If you want something, do you put it on the top shelf where u can never reach? do u lock it in the store? do you give it away? Why have we put our feelings,thoughts,emotions,relations and everything else we have grown into, on that dusty shelf that we rarely visit.

Does it make us any better?Any stronger? Is hiding doing any of us good or is it the easiest way to throw everything away.

Today, it is 2010. Indifference, isnt an emotion but that is all we feel.

Guilt.

Guilt is what I feel lately, everytime I see their faces. A gardener sows the seed,waters it every day and protects it from the outside world till it blossoms into a beautiful tulip. such love,hard work and care.

And that is just a flower for us.just another flower that most of us never notice.

Can we compare humans with nature? How our parents compromise and work all their life to earn for us. Provide for us, shape our personality to make us better people? They let go of their desires , just for us.Werent they teenagers once?Had they never dreamt of having fancy houses and cars and spending lavishly on whatever attracts their eye?

Yet in all these years all I have ever seen is them doing what I want. Getting what I want. Even then every night before sleeping and several times during the day,I make a mental note.

' When I will be working and rich, I will get me this. I will go on a world tour.' 
and thats just the start of it all, there are so many things that I have told myself to buy when I am old.

Today, on my way back from my friends house I fell asleep in the car.Due to the movement my head would keep on falling to the side,disturbing my sleep. and then it stopped falling and I went into the deepest sleeping state ever.When I woke up, my dad had his arm in the most awkward position. The sort of position you change the very minute. but his arm wasnt moving.it was there,still. He was uncomfortable then why not move his arm?

Thats when I realised my head isnt moving because HE KEPT HIS ARM THERE, to support it so I can sleep.

Never in my life, have I done anything even close to what my parents have done for me. May be for you ,it was just an arm. But not all parents do it,especially not all fathers. He could have let my head be. but he didnt, he opted for discomfort for my comfort. How selfless it seems. The only memories I have, are the ones in which he is asleep and I am shouting and I wake him up.accidently ofcourse. but I never thought that my father is sleeping so I should be quiet. It never occured to me, HE was like I am.

I have been sitting and pondering.Thought after thought I feel worse, why have I never stepped up?Its not that I dont love him or I dont care.Its the fact that it never occurs to us children ,what our parents do for us. Had I never woken up, I wouldnt have known.It makes me wonder, how many things have my parents done that I have no idea about? I wouldnt ever, make my self uncomfortable just like that. I am selfish. but dad, he didnt seem to think anything was unordinary about the whole gesture.

Today, I am over emotional. Guilt is bothering me. It is indeed a silent calling to the subconscious.

Perhaps, the unknown keeps us glued to sinful desires. Denied pleasure will always raise curiostity.This, being the LAW OF ASSUMED NEGATIVITY.

Final Goodbye.

A week. That's all I have, before my life changes. You, my love, are my precious.

My mother,
My friend,
My energy,

My will,
My love,
My everything,
My SISTER.

You must leave and in that particular way, I am actually happy for you. But I dont like shopping for your departure.

Haan muje pata hai, you will always be there lekin sid, how can we be the same? YOU and ME?

How will 'mina mano' feel everytime her name is called.will mano not miss MINA? isnt that what started it all?the mina mano's , the mina apa's, the mina patti's .....

Will I not be reminded of you, every time I walk in the corridor or when I will sit in the room you, once occupied. Everyday, I shall see the door infront of my room ( our room) and wonder when will I see you again.

Will I want to wear your clothes, marinated in hugo boss?

Tears are streaming down my face, my heart is skipping beats.None of what I have written is emotional but the mere thought of not seeing you everyday,of not having you around and most of all, bidding you farewell is pulling my guts down the well.

I have always relied on you for every little and huge deal!You give me strength but you are my weakness. I need you forever, I will love you forever.

When you left for university I knew you will come back to me.I was sure, we will spend lots of time together building memories which will live till our last breath.

Now, you will be HIS.Forever. Dont get me wrong, he is a great person and inshallah you both will have all the happiness and sucess in the world.Its just that you will be so far away.GONE.

No matter where you go and what you become. Back home,here, in the corner room,where sunrays rarely reach It will always be ME, waiting for you with open arms.

These dances, they tire me. I dont enjoy them as much as I show. I dont really, have the energy to wear a happy face. But today,I will.

Lekin sid, who will keep an eye on me? who will love me,unconditionally? Who will be my best friend and do everything for me,big and small. Who will see me, for me? Who will make me believe in the best of life?and who will put a stop to my worries,panic attacks,depression,anger and every other emotion that I have ever felt?

Love you so much,so very much that now it HURTS.

Lines that define Boundaries.

You sit quietly in the corner of your class staring into space. Thinking about what was and what never will be. 

How eight innocent girls laughed in the courtyard. The loud cheerful laugh, the sort that made people turn and wonder. Perfect days, full of sarcasm, irony, wit and humour. Laiden with only the best comments and plans. Such authority, ability to do the extreme. Live the extreme and be the extreme. What boundaries? What lines?

Under the lush green Japanese fruit tree,stand maturing girls. Right under the brown bark, next to the red brick building. Trademarks. Curious gazes shift from one person to the next in search of something more interesting than the gossip at hand.

The bell rings. Children rush out of their classes. Out of the buildings, pushing and screaming. A blue cube shaped excuse of a canteen. Girls yelling at the top of their lungs. Screaming for samoosa’s and top pops as though life depended on it. Crooked que’s, 6^th graders squeezing their way through and the senior most class staring people down. The bell rings again, break is over. Many leave hungry but the seniors. They stay, eat and take some food to class. All is allowed.

Ninth grade-window row. Worst row. An unforgettable view of what never really mattered at the time. A want to be unique. Turns being taken to stand and sit. Annoying the biology teacher, making her wonder why she ever chose to teach them. Sit stand. Stand sit.

Computer, an amazing discovery and the perfect excuse for thoughtless flings. Long march to the lab and back. Accompanied by wolfish grins and flirtatious remarks. Little boys with such great expectations. Time for first love but all efforts in vain. Girls with different interests.

Eleventh grade, under the bridge, right next to the bathroom window. ‘I want you to stay don’t go with them’ attempts made to justify one decision made in absolute sincerity. Will to get across and make you understand. Failure. Your walk to the library, urgency to join the rest. Future at hand, alone. So very alone without you. Bitter nostalgia.

8 a.m. Pulse increasing as the clock ticks. Fifteen more minutes. Each second ensuring its worth is felt. Pupils dilate. It’s almost time. Line after line moves towards the *ground between the three huge buildings* .tick tock tick tock. Everyone is right in front. Friends and strangers, lovers and haters. Your name is called. You can’t breathe. Concentration is so much that you feel dizzy. Nausea. Long steps to the stage, you get your sash. Smile. An original but nervous smile. Eyes in search of familiar faces. There you are. Thank you for everything.

Friendships. Strange beginnings and sad ends. A letter capable of changing life. Bringing you close to other people. Three girls talk non-stop in class. Soul sisters. Your presence is still felt.

Mistakes and regrets are like egg and yolk. One follows the other. You loved her but you tried to tame her to your ways. Limits are not acceptable. Your downfall was because of what no one ever spoke off. Yet they exiled you. Life sentence. Final goodbyes turned to shouting, accusing and hurting. Too much anger and careless words. A couple of seconds leave eight long years forgotten. You loved me; at least that’s what I believe.

Plans and excitement. Your anticipation beyond imagination. A short run to the black and yellow car. Push, shift, make more room. Caught in the act. An angry man yelling and raising his stick as a warning. Getting down, being forced to re-enter the vicinity. Embarrassment, still beyond imagination. Breaking into a run. Find an excuse. Save face, must find excuse.

Then and now. Two years. Running short of memories. Pictures aren’t enough to pacify the heart. It wants more. Flesh and blood. Emotions. 

An invisible line starts to sketch its way into life. Pointing out the obvious. Continous lectures, long days. Conversations get shorter. Distance has arrived. Night gets lonelier and calmer. Heart is sinking. Absence is not appreciated, can be done without. Monthly gatherings. Lack of gossip. Sleep deprivation along with deprivations felt much more. Different aims, hopes, dreams and opinions. Personalities still matching but not as much. Attempts being made to restore the lost but its much more than us. Time and place and experiences. 

Some are stronger, some weirder and some unrelatably changed. In hopes to hear the unforgettable laughter the line defining our boundaries has been drawn.